Brad Paisley and LL Cool J penned what’s arguably the most god-awful song in the history of ever. “Accidental Racist” hit the airwaves earlier this month, unfortunately, decrying the sad plight of the poor misunderstood Southern white man in a drawling mash-up of twangy banjos and elementary rhymes.
In the racially, culturally and historically tone deaf ditty, Paisley asks for an African-American barista to forgive his choice of questionable accoutrements:
“To the man that
waited on me at the Starbucks down on Main, I hope you understand.
When I put on that T-shirt, the only thing I meant to say is, ‘I’m a Skynyrd fan.
The red flag on my chest somehow is like the elephant in the corner of the south.
And I just walked him right into the room.
Just a proud rebel son with an ol’ can of worms.
Lookin’ like I got a lot of learn … ”
Oh, boo-freaking-hoo. Yeah, Paisley, you do got a lot o' learnin’ to do–about fashion, for starters, and maybe the violent history of U.S. slavery and white male entitlement.
Later, LL Cool J presumptuously grants forgiveness on behalf of an entire race for Paisley’s confederate flag-emblazoned top (which in my mind’s eye is also sleeveless and tattered). In return, the rapper asks for understanding of his own stereotypical attire:
“If you won’t judge my do’ rag, I won’t judge your red flag.”
That’s diplomatic of you, Cool J. And earlier:
“If you don’t judge my gold chains, I’ll forget the iron chains.”
Record scratch. Stop. Well, now that’s a tad generous, don’t you think? If Mr. Wish-I-Was-in-Dixie graciously refrains from judging your choice of fine jewelry, you’ll erase all memory of centuries of human enslavement? Seems fair … uh, psych!
Despite the (much-merited) controversy, Paisley and his misguided “accidentally racist” duet partner, Ladies Love Cool James, say record sales remained pretty strong. Interesting choice, Uh-merica. Can’t wait to hear the follow-up hit single about Paisley’s other awkward racist T-shirt incident, when he walks into a Peet’s Coffee with a swastika on his chest. Poor soul.
But hey, Roman Polanski, consider it market research into the nation’s horrible taste in music. Maybe that’s your cue to release your own contender for the dubious distinction of Worst Music Video Ever: “Accidental Rapist.”